Grief.

My Nana passed away last year. This was my first loss of immediate family. This, though, is not the point. I don't know much about grief. My dad lost his mum and he changed; for a while it was like he was half-turned inside out. He was exposed and vulnerable.
There is something terribly frightening about seeing you parents, especially your father, cry. You mind yells, 'But you're meant to be invincible and unchanging, you aren't scared of the dark!'
I wrote this poem, if I recall correctly, the night before the funeral. Oh, the drama.

I don’t want to say goodbye.

I won’t utter a sad farewell,

Because you haven’t gone.

No one else can seem to tell,

They just say so long.

They wear black,

Then move on.

But you’re staying, you’ll never leave,

I’m drowning in prayers as the countless grieve.

I won’t hold you in my heart,

Because you’re all around me.

It’s not the end, it’s just a start,

Your love surrounds me.

I’ll place a rose on your tombstone,

I’ll do it just for show.

I know alone,

That you’ll never go.

There was no final breath,

It’s not true.

There was no death,

You’re still you.

Don’t give your pity and contempt.

I will not mourn

What has not gone.

I will not say goodbye.